Well, I’m more than a little behind updating our journey in this space, and, to be honest, I don’t really feel up to it. But much has happened over the past month and we committed a long time ago to sharing this story, so for those who may not have followed along in other places, here it is.
On June 18, 2015, after presenting to MANY expectant mamas, we finally matched with an expectant mom due early August with a girl. Not too long after, we learned her due date had been moved to July 25. The joy the day we finally got the call was beyond anything I can really describe. It was one of the most surreal experiences of my life. I stepped outside to answer the call, heard the words we’d been waiting so long to hear, and came back inside to sit on the couch stunned as the kids played loudly around me.
Adrian was at a local camp all week, so after about 15 minutes of contemplating the news and staring in shock, I pulled it together, loaded the kids up, and headed to get some pink balloons. We pulled up at the high school where the camp was being held, called on a friend to help bring Adrian outside, and unloaded the kids, each with a balloon in hand, who ran with pure joy towards their daddy.
The tears were uncontrollable. It felt like the beginning of the end of a very long season. We were finally moving forward as a family. We finally knew there WOULD be a child entering our home, a child we prayed for for so long. Adrian was all joy. I was fighting major doubt, all the what-ifs, but thought that was all mostly because of our traumatic experience with our first adoption.
I won’t lie, looking on these photos now is just plain painful because we’re on the other side of them. All the hope and all we’d been so excited for would once again be crushed.
Last week, on Friday, July 10, we got a phone call that it was believed our birth mom was in the hospital delivering. Due to a number of crazy circumstances, information was vague and details were sketchy. We got packed and waited on standby, knowing any moment we’d get the call to go get our baby girl. Childcare was secured. Bags were ready.
Saturday afternoon we got information the baby was born, but still, many details remained unknown and we were advised by the worker to wait until Monday to fly when mom would sign over rights. And then, with one dreadful phone call, all hope was crushed, now for the second time on this journey. Saturday evening our worker called to tell us that the baby’s health was very bad: multiple holes in the heart, a genetic disorder of some kind, not believed to be compatible with life. Hospice would be called in.
I know the deepest pain is with the birth family, the birth mother and grandmother. I still have much guilt that we were not there to walk them through the tragedy and grief, but it became clear right away that we were not supposed to travel. I’m grateful for the wisdom of our worker walking us through those painful hours. Though I know so many are hurting so much more, there is much pain. It truly feels unbelievable.
I know there’s nothing eloquent or pretty about this post. There just aren’t many words to express our sadness right now. We’ve tried hard to point to the Lord in the midst of this story and you can follow along some of my more thoughtful posts over the past week here on IG.
For now, we could use your prayers. Please pray for the birth family and the workers and for the Lord to be near, an ever present help in trouble.
For us, I keep praying that our “morning” would come soon.
“For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.” – Psalm 30:5
We still have some tiny sliver of hope that somehow He is going to fulfill this thing He called us to. When we have the strength to ask, we’re praying He would do that swiftly, that our family would be completed with the person He has for it. We’ve spent more months over the past two years in grief than I care to count, with tiny pockets of joy that were quickly crushed. We know Jesus is steady, that He is constant when everything else is crumbling. We know true joy is found in Him alone. We’re hopeful for a new season for our family. Your prayers and support are so appreciated.
To God be the glory,