["High Dive" by Norman Rockwell]
Four months ago I gave my notice at work. It still feels strange to say that – I’m leaving my job. The job I have had for 12 years. The job that accounts for 60% of our family’s income. The job I thought I would retire from. And here’s the strangest part – I’m not leaving for a different job. I’m leaving to… well… become a housewife. Gulp.
Let me tell you a little bit about my relationship with God. I struggle with some pretty big insecurities and God knows that, because of those insecurities, I question my decisions on a regular basis. From buying salad dressing to choosing what to wear, I can easily become paralyzed with indecision. So we have an agreement, God and I. If it’s a BIG thing, He will place a conviction in me so strong that even my lifelong insecurities will not cause me to waiver. That’s how it was when we sold our house, when we moved our daughter to a different school, when I enrolled in grad school…. I just ‘knew’ it was the right thing.
So, when I started wondering last year if I needed to be home with my three preteens, I reminded God of our deal and asked Him to come through again. And He did. I woke up one morning and I knew. I told my husband and He agreed. We took the plunge and for a couple of weeks all was well.
Then the doubt started. Following close behind was fear. Oh, and don’t forget the overwhelming desire to control anything and everything. I started worrying about the fact that I wasn’t worrying. And maybe my lack of fear was because I was in denial. How did I know this was REALLY God’s will for my life? What if I had just convinced myself that it was because I wanted it? Ugh.
I confided in a friend who has also served as my spiritual advisor of sorts. He said something that changed my life forever. Ever since that conversation, I have prayed this prayer:
“God, you know I desire to be in your will. And, I’ve made this decision because I believe it to be your will. But, if it isn’t, can you still make it right? Can you still use it for your glory?”
In that moment I realized how big my God really is! We throw around the phrase “to right a wrong” but God is the only one actually capable of doing such a thing. He can literally right a wrong, turn trash into treasure, make all things new… That blows my mind.
We obsess about making mistakes. We shoot for perfection. But God knows our limitations and He is able and willing to fill in our gaps. Whew. What a relief.
I have one week left until this phase in my life is over and I am going to try my best to enjoy every second knowing that, in the end, the Creator of the Universe is on my side.
- by Jennifer Testa
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